horny potter and the bed chamber of secrets 8
by darkangelofheaven13
Summary: the same as the first one


The Next Morning...

Harry wakes up

Harry:looks to his window Mmm...pretty sunrise...wow, I had the weirdest dream of all time...notices the diary on the tableso...it...wasn't a dream! Only one thing to do now! Wake up Ron!

Harry runs to Ron's room, and shakes him awake

Ron: Ugh...Harry, if this is about the evil clowns who are after you, I'm-

Harry: No, no Ron! This is important!

Ron: Yes...that's what you said about the clowns

Harry: Look, just hear me out, ok? I know who's responsible for the raping!

Ron: Who?

Harry: Hagrid!

Ron: Hagrid? How can Hagrid 'rape' people? He's not the type Harry!

Harry: I dunno Ron...ever since I caught him at the Moulin Rouge dressed as Nicole Kidman, I've always been a little skeptical...  
Ron: Well that honestly doesn't prove anything, but if you'll feel like your doing something special, going up and asking him if he's a rapist, I'll still be behind you 100

Harry: Yes, that's why your my bitch!

Ron:sighs Yes...your bitch...

Later, before Qudditch...

The Gryffindor team is lining up to play. Suddenly, Professor McGonagall comes running up to the team full speed, knocking over people, and pushing them out of the way as she runs

Minerva: The Qudditch game has been cancelled!

Oliver: WHAT? That's crap! We practiced too hard for this game to have it thrown away!

Minerva: Shut up. There's been another attack

Oliver: Good, that means it wasn't Harry then, since he's with us. Now can't we worry about the attack after the game?

Minerva: NO! We MUST drop everything we're doing!

Harry: Hmm...must have been somebody important...

Minerva: Damn right it was! Harry, your friend Hermione was raped and petrified!

Harry: WHAT? Someone banging my fuck? MY fuck! MINE!

Oliver: Are you sure she was raped? I would think HERMIONE would have just layed down willingly...

But Harry and Minerva were already dashing through the crowd, knocking people over, and running over them as they ran through

In The Hospital Wing...

Harry dashes in, noticing that Ron's already there, staring dumbfounded at Hermione's frozen body

Ron: I thought Professor McGonagall was coming with you?

Harry: No, turns out she was just running top speed to Dumbledore's office, carrying a box of condoms. I'll never know why...ANYWAYZ, do you know when and where Hermione was raped?

Ron: Sort of...it was like...five minuets ago...I think...begins to have a flash back

Ron's flashback is very odd. Everyone is Hogwarts is dressed as if they were rich people in the early 1900's...or20's...or 30's. Ron's walking down the hallway, dressed in a formal suit, top hat, and Cain. 'The Entertainer' plays in the background as he walks

Ronpasses a girl, tips his hat: Afternoon mam!

Rontalking about his flashback: So, I was just taking a stroll down the hallway, minding my own buisness, and what did I come across, but a small mirror right in the middle of the hallway!in his flashback, Ron finds a mirror, and gets a dramatic shock expression on his face It was very cracked and dirty. Unlike my mother's mirror. Her mirror is nice and clean, and has a silver handle and-

Harry:interrupting the flashback Ron? Is this going anywhere?

Ron: Yes, yes it is

Harry: Ok, but is it even relevant to Hermione's condition?

Ron: Heavens no! Why in the world would you want to talk about that? I was trying to tell you about the time my Uncle Paul tried to take over the world! Interesting story actually. You see, what happened was-

Harry: RON! I could careless about your Uncle at a time like this! Now for heavens sake, what happened to her?  
Ron:sigh Fine, fine, fine. She was in the library as usual, and then they found her raped and petrified. There, happy?

Harry: Yes, quite

Ron: Oh, and she was found with this mirror!holds up a mirror

Harry: But what would Hermione be doing with a mirror?

Ron: Who cares? It's probably not even relevent anyway. Do you want to go eat lunch? There serving fried frogs legs today. I don't wanna miss out!

Harry: Ron, we need to go talk to Hagrid. He's the one behind all this

Ron:...No he's not! If he really wasn't 50 years ago, I don't think he'd be doing it now all of a sudden

Harry: Wait...how do you know about that?

Ron: Right, as if I'm going to ignore an unexplained diary lying out on your desk

Harry: Oh...well, maybe Hagrid knows what happened to Tom Riddle, that's why we need to go see him

Ron: Okay, but after lunch. I really can't miss out on...mom...fried frogs legs and cheese...begins to drool

Later that night...

Harry and Ron nock on Hagrid's door. Hagrid comes to the door with a machine gun

Hagrid: Your done for now you crazy mother fucker! Eat lead!

Ron and Harry take off the invisibility cloak

Harry: Hagrid! It's just us!

Hagrid: Oh...sorry lads...I was expecting...umm...nevermind. Come in and sit down  
Just before Ron and Harry sit down, there's a nock at the door

Hagrid: Hide, quickly!

Ron and Harry hide underneath the invisibility cloak

Hagrid answers the door, and in comes Cornelius Fudge and Albus Dumbledore

Hagrid: Oh, hello Mr. Fudge, professor

Fudge: Oh, we're on bad buisness Hagrid, bad buisness indeed...

Hagrid begins poking Fudge's midsection and giggling

Fudge: Umm...what are you doing?

Hagrid: Hee hee...sorry, you just look so much like a cross between Bilbo Baggins and The Pillsbury Doughboy, I can't resist

Dumbledore: Now, now Hagrid, lets respect Mr. Fudge...right after I poke him Dumbledore pokes him in the tummy once, and giggles

Fudge: That is quite enough of that gentlemen! Now, as I was saying, the news we're about to deliever is not very good news. Hagrid, I'm afraid we're going to have to take you away

Hagrid: Take me? You mean to the mental asylum? No! Please, I gave up that 'ritual' I used to do so I wouldn't have to be taken there!

Fudge: No, no, no, not the asylum! Azkaban, I mean

Hagrid: Why do I have to go there?

Fudge: Well, as you remember Hagrid, 50 years ago you were guilty for raping your fellow students. Now, I know you took the counseling class, and I know you wouldn't do such a thing anymore, but the parents don't think it's enough. So, just to make it look like I'm actually doing something about this situation, I'm temporarily locking you up  
Dumbeldore: And, don't forget the parents are the ones paying this school

Hagrid: So that's it? You're just going to lock me up, because it'll make the Ministry look like they actually give a shit? And you'd rather have money over good old Hagrid?

Dumbledore and Fudge: Yes

Hagrid: Well, yes that makes sense. Ok, I'm going

Suddenly Lucius walks in

Lucius: Good evening

Hagrid: Get outta my shack, you filthy mofo...

Lucius: Oh trust me, I don't wish to be in your...your...do you call this a house?

Hagrid: I said shack, and you heard me correctly the first time, you S.O.B!

Dumbeldore: Lucius, what do you want?

Lucius: Ah, Dumbledore, just the man I wanted to see. I've come to tell you that ministry wishes to let you go. We don't believe you still have your 'touch' for headmastering

Dumbledore: Is that so? Well you can tell the ministry to kiss my-

Fudge:nudging Dumbledore Who agreed to this Lucius?

Lucius begins poking Fudge's tummy and giggling

Fudge: Are you quite finished?

Lucius: Sorry sir...eh, maybe one morepokes him again and giggles Well that brightned my day...Anyway, here's all the information about Dumbledore being let go, signatures and everything

Fudge: Wow...this is surprising...well, what's here is what's here...  
Dumbledore: Who cares? I'm going to die soon anyway, what's the point?

Hagrid: Well...okay then...looks toward where Ron and Harry are Well...someone will have to feed Fang while I'm gone...and if there just so happened to be anyone in here who was invisible, I'd tell them that they can find all the answers, by following the spiders...yep, they'll have the answers...but there isn't any invisible people in here that might be off in a corner, so take no heed to what I just said...Hagrid walks out of the hut

Dumbledore:looks in Harry's and Ron's direction Very well Lucius...but if there just so happened to be in anyone in here who was invisible, I'd let them know that I'll always be open for wisdom and help if they need it and/or ask for it...but again there are no invisible people in here, so take no heed to what I have just said...twitches eyes, then walks out the door

Lucius:looks angrily in Ron and Harry's direction Yes...if there just so happened to be anyone who was invisible in here, I'd let them know that if they try to ruin my plan, their ass is mine, and I will personally come to their rooms and rip their throats out...looks at Fudge But there isn't...any invisible people in here...so...I'll just...be leaving...hurries out the door

Fudge looks confused

Fudge: Is there something in here that everyone else can see except me?...shrugs, and walks out

After they have all left, Ron and Harry take off the cloak

Ron: Son of a diddly! Now Hagrid AND Dumbledore are gone! And have we learned ANYTHING about the Bedchamber Of Secrets? Noooo! Now the school's going to be closed because of us!

Harry: Ron, shut up. We DID learn something today, and if you weren't busy picking your nose, and staring off into space you may have heard it. Hagrid told us to follow the spiders, and Dumbledore said he would always be there if we needed help. Eh...and what Lucius said doesn't matter

Ron: They were talking to us? I was pretty sure they were talking to some invisible people though...

Harry:sigh Ron, WE were the invisible people

Ron: We were? Cool!


End file.
